Day 13
I feel totally derailed. I find that instead of focus, prayer and meditation, I’m obsessing over how many days it’s been and how many more to go and at least my jeans could be fitting a little more loosely…
I have this mounting frustration. I’ve caught myself doing a lot of negative self talk. Maybe that is some of the problem.
Today I had tomato soup and it burned going down. I suppose from the acid. I made a blended iced coffee which was really satisfying. I wonder how people do the all out water fast. I know that I could do it through His strength but hope He doesn’t ask me!!
I’m looking forward to church tomorrow. Actually, I think I might need to have my own deliverance service right here in my bedroom!
The scripture that is speaking volumes to me is
Matthew 6:33
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
Day 14
Lord God, I confess I’m sick of the fast. I’m growing weary. I’m tired of the dizziness, the hunger pains and I’m tired of resisting temptation. I confess that sometimes I even wonder if anything is really happening. Now, in this moment, I know that You are God even in the funk of my humanity.
I ask for strength, faith and endurance. I ask for dreams and encounters. I ask for the desire to pursue You.
Hebrews 10:36
For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised.
Day 15
Today is officially the longest I’ve ever fasted. Phillip complains that he is starving this afternoon and that he hasn’t eaten anything all day. I just stare at him incredulous but feel anger rise within. In my mind, I’m thinking ‘are you seriously going to whine to me about not eating' and 'how about trying 15 days buddy,’ 'the nerve'…yada, yada. I recognize it as self righteous and repent. After all, I have no concept of what people starving in third world countries experience nor do I have any clue the pain that Jesus endured when He all-out fasted for 40 days and yet still my Lord listens to the whining in my heart.
I don’t bring it up but the children continue to be very interested and speak of it often. Eden is making a list of the things she wants to cook me for breakfast on the 22nd day . Adam keeps track of how much longer I have and Olivia is very compassionate and offered me a piece of popcorn to lick last night which I obliged!
They’re good kids, Lord. I’m so amazed that You’ve entrusted them to me.
I’m convicted of mindless television and meaningless thoughts. He whispers, “acknowledge Me. I’m so close. I have so much to teach you and tell you. Don’t drown me out.” Holy Spirit yearns to fellowship with us. What a ridiculous thing that I continue to choose the temporal over the eternal. I choose You, Lord.
Deuteronomy 30:19-20
This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the LORD your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the LORD is your life, and he will give you many years in the land he swore to give to your fathers, Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.
Day 16
Tonight the kids and I went to McDonalds. I indulged in a Frappe. It was delicious but very heavy on my stomach. Afterward, we went to Walmart and did our grocery shopping . Grocery shopping causes my heart to overflow with thanksgiving. I remember not too long ago when grocery shopping was drudgery because it was a reminder of how broke we really were. Thank you, Lord for how faithful You have been to provide.
Psalm 36:5
Your love, O LORD, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies.
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